For years, I struggled with my alone time with God. I grew up in an environment where I saw my
mother spend 45 minutes to an hour on the phone with her prayer partners
praying down fire from heaven. I went to
a church where the members would pray during the pray time at church for an
hour or more. The way my undiagnosed
ADHS was (is) set up, tasks, skills, assignments that take some effort to do or
that I do not have an interest in are hard for me to concentrate on for more
than 15 minutes at a time.
So, as an adult, I felt inadequate, unworthy, pitiful
because I could not sit still and pray for more than 15 minutes or read my
Bible for longer than 15 minutes. I would
try it and feel guilty, then give up for a time after shrugging my shoulders. I would not spend time with God for days,
then feel guilty and remorseful for days on end until I made myself feel so
unworthy that I felt I was destined for hell.
It was a horrible existence.
One day, I was somewhere and found a copy of Pocket Prayers by Max & Andrea Lucado. I shook my head in doubt and disgust,
thinking, “This won’t help me.” I put it
down and started to walk away. Then I felt
a tug at my heart saying, “Go look at it.”
I did. I flipped to the first
page of the book and read…
“Hello, my name is Max. I’m a recovering prayer wimp. I doze
off when I pray. My thoughts zig, then zag, then zig again. Distractions swarm
like gnats on a summer night. If attention deficit disorder applies to prayer,
I am afflicted. When I pray, I think of a thousand things I need to do. I
forget the one thing I set out to do: pray.”
My eyes got big. I
read it again. Tears formed in my
eyes. As I quickly wiped them away, because
I was in a public place, as I flipped to the first prayer. It had a Bible verse, one verse. And a short prayer. I smiled and quickly ran to purchase the
book.
It would take about 10 minutes to read and pray. I could do that. I was so excited.
A $2.00 book saved my Christian life!!!
As I walked to my car smiling, I said to myself, if someone
as famous as Max Lucado struggled like I did, I can do this.
It was at this moment, I purposed in my heart to go through
the book.
Did I get it right the first time I tried it? Nope, I went two days straight and then
missed eight days. But, I picked it back
up and started again on Day 1.
Did I get it right the second time I tried it? Nope, I went a whole week days straight and
then missed two weeks. Again, I picked it
back up and started again on Day 1.
Did I get it right the third or fourth time? Nope, I struggled those times, too. But, I picked it back up and started again on
Day 1 until finally, I got into a habit of doing it on a regular basis, with
regular consistency.
But, this time, it was so different… I did not feel the
guilt, let down, devastation that I had before trying to do it like I had seen
as a child.
I had started to grow in GRACE
Now, I am consistent with my GAME time (as my hubby calls
it)… God & Me Time. I can even last
close to 20 minutes without getting antsy. J It took some time, patience, and dedication,
but I did it and so can you.